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How Do I Cope with Conflict and Speaking Up at Meetings as an Introvert?

How Do I Cope with Conflict and Speaking Up at Meetings as an Introvert?

Ack, conflict. Tough for most of us. And at work with all that pressure? Or in an activist group where you care so much but then we can’t get along? Add in being an introvert, and then what?

I got a great question about conflict for my work advice column for introverts, so I’ll share it here as a way to help us face this one.

First I want to say that sometimes a lot of conflict at work means it’s time to question if this job is the right fit. Here are some tips on how to know what to change when it feels hard at work.

In the meantime, it can start feeling easier sooner with some of the tips I share below.

Dear Val: Introvert Advice Column Question

Dear Val,

I sat through a meeting this week during which a client and my boss had a very strongly worded, aggressive disagreement. The client wasn’t raising his voice, but his words, tone, and body language were very combative, and my boss was trying to defend our position against his.

I have a hard time with this type of conflict: that type of aggressive tone makes me really jittery and produces an adrenaline-fueled “flight” reaction. I spent a lot of the meeting hoping it wasn’t obvious how much I was shaking.

I also avoid interrupting others in a conversation, so fast-paced arguments make it extra hard for me to know what to do. My instinct is to avoid getting involved and to not draw more attention/ire toward myself.

In situations like these, I often feel that if I open my mouth, I might start crying, which I know is read as extremely unprofessional and is something I particularly would want to avoid when I am already being dismissed as young, inexperienced, and insufficiently skilled at my job.

However, sometimes I know there is information that I have or perspectives I can bring that would help with the disagreement if I could only figure out how to insert myself into the conversation.

What strategies can I as an introvert use when I need to jump into a contentious/agitated situation in a professional setting?

~Jittery in Massachusetts

fear

My Response About Conflict and Speaking Up at Work

Dear Jittery,

Oh, my—I could practically feel the jitters with you while I was reading your letter. I’d love to help.

Conflict can kick up our self-preservation instincts such as fight, flight, or freeze. It’s particularly tough in a work situation where we can’t easily run away, and we have our professional reputation at stake. This is a big challenge for anyone.

I’m offering some suggestions here. Be gentle with yourself as you consider trying something new. It will be worth the effort as you notice anxiety going down, over time.

Introverts’ challenges in conflict situations

You might feel the stress of conflicts more than the extroverts around you would.

Energy sensitivity and introversion tend to go together. It’s how our brains are wired. In other words, you’re likely especially sensitive to the emotional energy in the room.

It’s also common for introverts to hate the idea of interrupting. It just seems to go against our grain, maybe because we hate being interrupted or because we value listening so much. But having a say in a conflict often requires interrupting.

What’s more, introverts prefer to think carefully before speaking. It’s hard to get our thoughts together quickly enough to jump into the fray. We can get caught in analysis paralysis, especially during conflict, and tension can build inside us.

Keep in mind that avoiding conflict will only increase your discomfort with conflict and foster your original frustrations. In the long term, the more comfortable path in dealing with conflict is facing it.

Your introvert strengths for handling conflict

The way you told your story tells me that you value being considerate, or else this wouldn’t bother you so much. That puts you in a good position to be able to speak up effectively and respectfully. In fact, I suspect you did well in that situation even if you felt messy on the inside.

Because introverts tend to think carefully before speaking, they are often good at incorporating many perspectives and imagining new solutions. Your insights are needed, no matter how young or inexperienced you might feel!

Getting used to speaking up

I used to be very conflict-avoidant, never wanting to draw attention to myself. Gradually, I found my voice during conflicts, but I still have my nervous moments. Everyone does—no matter how calm they look.

In order to find more ease and make yourself heard in the midst of conflict, you need to:

  1. manage your physical and emotional stress,
  2. risk speaking up even if your thoughts aren’t perfectly formed, and
  3. accept that sometimes you need time to think and that it’s okay to ask for it.

8 ways to make it easier:

  1. Remember that your feelings are normal.
    When you’re stepping into new territory, jitters are almost inevitable. Only after we act will the jitters get quieter.
  2. Release some tension, physically.
    Before going into a potentially stressful meeting, a brisk walk does wonders. Taking three slow deep breaths is also surprisingly helpful (or six breaths on a tough day). Keep a list of your favorite calming methods.
  3. Prepare mentally. (Visualize success.)
    Visualize speaking up and it’s going well, and feel the positive energy. The body responds to our imagination as if it’s happening. Relaxing thoughts lead to relaxed feelings. (As proof of this connection: Imagine biting into a lemon, and notice how your mouth physically reacts!)
  4. Gather your thoughts.
    Write down what you want to say, which reduces the worry about forgetting your words under pressure. Yes, you can even look at your notes while you speak. Awkwardness is okay.
  5. Suggest a break.
    Whenever things get heated in a discussion, suggest a five-minute break. Often it’s the quiet one who can sense when a time-out is needed.
  6. Raise your hand.
    Accept that sometimes interrupting is necessary, and it’s not as rude as you think. People are often grateful for it! In some cases, a time-out hand signal works, and it can be easier to do.
  7. Practice.
    Look for opportunities to practice these methods in less scary situations, e.g., when interrupting a trusted friend. It could still feel uncomfortable but not as scary as in a work situation. Practicing taking risks when dealing with conflict will change your brain over time and make you more resilient.
  8. Accept that tears happens.
    What if tears happen? Then what? This has happened to me at least a few times. Yep, it felt awkward (I mean, awful at the time), but after my tears released, I was able to discuss what I needed and repair any messy spots left. I have finally come to terms with the fact that tears happen. I bet you can do the same.

Choose one thing to try.

Maybe you could choose one or two of these techniques before your next group meeting, and see how it goes.

The more you apply these tools, the easier these situations will become. You’ll see that when you speak up, you will not only survive but you will also find that your fear will have lessened, and you’ll also enjoy the relief and rewards of having a say.

If the issue of conflict is a big one for you, consider learning Nonviolent Communication (NVC). I have studied it and was part of a practice group. It was life changing for finding my words for saying what I mean, without saying it mean.

Wondering if this is the wrong job for you?

image of a swirl of question marksWhen there are hard things at work, like chronic conflict, it’s natural to question if it’s the right fit. That’s a healthy question to ask!

I wrote my thoughts on how to deal with those questions:

Wrong Field? Wrong Place? Is It Me? What To Change When It Feels Bad at Work.

 


[An earlier version of this advice column originally appeared on Quiet Revolution and was syndicated on Huffington Post. Reprinted here with permission.]

Val Nelson

Val Nelson

I’ve been a self-employed career/business/purpose coach since 2009. I help introverts and HSPs (like me) who want to make a difference — in a way that fits our practical needs too.
Val Nelson | Coaching | Groups | Courses | Newsletter | LinkedIn

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