It’s amazing how much we try to deny our own feelings and how that can trip us up. Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are especially at risk of this self-denial because we feel so much, while another part of us doesn’t want to stand out. We often learn early on to shut off our feelings, and then it gets murky.
Let’s reclaim this gift of self-awareness, in a way that is useful and not overwhelming. I’ve got stories and distinctions to help you return to you.
I had to learn this again recently.
This past weekend, I was having a hard day and the negative self-talk kicked in and then I got a migraine that lasted almost two days. All while my back was sore from lifting something the wrong way. In other words, I was feeling awful all around!
And you know what the negative self-talk was about? About being “too needy,” or too something, or basically that my feelings didn’t matter or were somehow invalid.
Not that anyone else said my feelings were invalid. In fact, my husband was so validating. Never once questioned my discomfort as invalid. So why did I?
My brain got caught in a sticky web of self-doubt that I can sometimes get when I feel bad physically or emotionally. As I think of it now, it’s a strange connection, even while it seemingly makes “sense” in the moment.
My young self trusted my own feelings.
As I was sharing the above experience with a friend, I found myself noticing a connection to something that happened when I was four years old, which gave me some insight about this pattern.
I was around four when I was in our apartment, while my aunt (a teen at the time) was with me. I remember having a bad headache and telling her my head hurt. She dismissed me, saying I was making it up and to stop complaining.
Then within a half hour or so, we saw a raging fire of the entire neighboring apartment building, with about 20 units in it. I remember seeing this out the window in horrified amazement and I immediately exclaimed, “That’s why I have a headache!” I just knew.
If you’ve been around a burning building, you know how awful and toxic that smoke is. I’ve now been around it a number of times and always get a headache.
First of all, how amazing that my four-year-old self was already so self-aware and self-validating!! I believe her!
Sadly, I know my aunt had grown up being invalidated for her feelings, so maybe she thought she was helping me learn what she had to learn.
I can sense into it right now how I was in a pivotal moment of deciding between my own feelings as valid or not. I fought against her at the time and yet, the seed of doubt was planted and it rang in my mind for a long long time.
That was just one part of early messaging about feelings. It’s such an ingrained part of this dominant culture (where I live) that makes us think feelings are not valid. How ridiculous, as I see it now.
Denying feelings of any kind, physical or emotional, is like telling someone who just broke their ankle that it didn’t happen, that their pain is not real. It’s ridiculous. It’s real. Of course!
But Are Feelings Trustworthy, Really?
There’s talk of whether to believe one’s feelings and what to trust, etc. It’s good to question certain parts of what goes on in the mind and heart. For sure.
But what I’m talking about is the actual sensation of pain, whether physical or emotional. That is 100% real if that’s what you feel.
The part to question is actually not the feeling but the thoughts that we layer over feelings and mistakenly call those “feelings.” For instance, we call it a “feeling” when we have thoughts like “I feel foolish” or “I’m not lovable”, or even “I’m so alone.” These are all thoughts, and thoughts are usually worth questioning.
When we are feeling an actual sensation, a headache or a heartache, that is always real. The reasons and thoughts around it are the unknowns.
I’ve learned this is an important distinction for finding some relief from self-doubt.
I’m so grateful I’m now around people who understand that all feelings are OK and real. Which helps me come back to my own knowing.
Bottom Line
- What you feel physically or emotional is worth listening to. Your awareness is valuable!
- Negative thoughts or assumptions about those feelings are worth questioning. Look more closely at what is observable and stay open to what you find.
- Being a highly sensitive person is a good thing, even if others don’t always validate our experience.
- Find your people who are validating. It’s so good for the soul and for coming back to your own knowing.
(You Belong: Why an HSP or Introvert Support Group Makes Such a Difference.)
