If you feel like you’re not successful enough, or somehow behind where you should be by now, know that is a very common feeling, and you’re probably doing better than you think. I think the root of that inadequate feeling is being caught in some unconscious external definition of “success.” It’s time to define success for yourself.
The typical American societal definition of success is only about money and status and how you look on the outside. My parents definitely bought into that narrow definition, and tried to instill it in me and my sister, perhaps in hopes we’d have better luck than they did.
In the vagueness of “success = money and status,” you can never actually measure up, so feeling “never enough” is inevitable.
For introverts and sensitive souls, like myself, these narrow definitions can be especially alienating. We might prefer behind-the-scenes contributions or feel less motivated by pursuits that lack meaning or purpose. If we’ve absorbed society’s conventional measures of success, it’s easy to mistake our different priorities for shortcomings or even feel like we’re failing. Ugh, yep, I relate.
How the Flawed Success Ideal Played Out for Me
For my parents, status seemed to mean being a doctor or lawyer. I just couldn’t squeeze myself into these narrow lanes.
Still, a part of me fell into my parents’ definition of success at first. And yet my sensitive side knew something was off: it can’t be just money and status. It felt like the wrong yardstick to measure against.
My struggle shows up in a letter I wrote to my mom when I was 29. In it, I attempted to explain why I wasn’t looking for a better job when I was so unhappy. This line stood out: “I still feel in a fog about what I want to do for a living…. I feel down about ‘career’ and ‘money’ and all that, so it is a sore spot as I approach 30 years old!”
At that time, I was looking successful in some ways, in a director level role at a growing company, but it was so wrong for me and I felt like a failure inside. I didn’t understand then about all the draining factors (mistreated, underpaid, values misalignment, strengths misalignment).
It was already my second job burnout experience. Just writing that line makes me want to cry. It sucked. I got myself to a career counselor soon after that letter. Kudos to my younger self for even knowing to look for that.
It was still many years later before I sat down to rethink my own true definition of success. I love a good self-discovery exercise and this was a good one.
I’ll explain how to do this for yourself, but first a little more about why this matters for your journey.
How Defining Success for Yourself Helps You
Whatever the root of the “not successful enough” angst, I have found it’s useful to step back and take a more intentional look at what is YOUR OWN definition of success. Without that, we are unconsciously using someone else’s definition, or some societal expectation. That leads down a burnout path.
Some of the most unhappy people I have met have plenty of money and status but bereft in many other ways.
More often than not, those external definitions of success are not right for us. It didn’t come from inside us.
I know I want more than just money and status, and I’m pretty sure you want far more too — such as to be happy, fulfilled, connected, healthy, and to feel like your life matters and that you make a difference. Yes to have enough money too, but not just that.
When you clarify your actual definition of success, I think your shoulders will relax and you’ll be inspired at a deeper level.
Once you have a more accurate success goal, it’s easier to move towards what you actually want. Wrong goal leads to the wrong path. For instance, many people try to climb the corporate ladder only to discover it’s not satisfying for them.
OK, then how does this work?
How To Define Success for Yourself
There are many ways to come at this. You could start with adding that success includes feeling happy, fulfilled, connected, healthy, and to feel like you make a difference. You could even borrow from the success definitions in quotes found below.
But keep going. Your definition works best for you when it feels more individualized to you.
Your own true definition of success is something that should excite you and draw you forward. In contrast, the societal definitions tend to make us feel “less than.”
Questions like these could help you get more specific:
- Will it only feel like success to you if what you’re doing aligns with your values?
- Does enjoying the journey matter to you?
- Does a certain timeline actually matter to you?
When I support my career coaching clients or the people in my career clarity course, we consider their definition of success after clarifying their values, strengths, and purpose. Then their definition of success is usually something about doing what feels aligned with those things.
But I’m going to share a shortcut you might like for now. One of my favorite questions to come at my own definition of success is:
“What does success *taste* like to you?”
When feeling into that question for myself, what came to me is that success tastes like butternut squash soup. It’s sweet, vibrant, nutritious, warm, grounding, and it makes me smile.
When I think of that soup, I relax into the present moment, where I’m not “behind” and I have so much to be grateful for already.
Mmm, I should make some butternut squash soup this week. Yum. (Update: we made some and that’s where that photo above came from!)
Anyway, when I picture that soup, it encompasses a lot about what I want. Thus, just picturing it gives me a nice shortcut to remember what I’m going for.
Try it: What does success taste like to you?
Sit with it, and let it come to you.
Hey, I’d love to hear what success tastes like to you? Or any other comments, below. Thanks!
Saying no to the “not enough” story
Without that conscious step of defining success for myself, I fall into a trap of “not fast enough” or some version of “not enough.”
It matters to rethink that voice because negative self-talk is distraction from doing the work we’re here to do.
This mantra has been helping me with any “not enough” thoughts lately:
“All that I need, I have. There is no lack.”
This helps me release any grasping energy. I find that any of us can get stuck in grasping / “never enough” mode, no matter how much we already have.
This mantra came to me through Lauren Miller, in her guided meditation, “Living with Gratitude and Abundance.” (Listen for free at InsightTimer).
Refreshing Definitions of Success
“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.”
~ Maya Angelou
“Peace of mind attained only through self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do the best of which you’re capable.”
~ John Wooden, basketball coach
“Success isn’t about how much money you make, it’s about the difference you make in people’s lives.”
~ Michelle Obama
“It is in the doing, not the acquiring, that satisfaction and happiness are to come.”
~ Barbara Binder Kadden, RJE, in “Contentment with one’s lot,” a Reformed Jewish reading of sacred texts.
I wonder what you’ll choose as your definition of success.
