Protect Your Energy Without Closing Your Heart: Healthy Boundaries Made Simple

6 minute read.

One of the most common things that comes up for the compassionate and highly sensitive people (HSPs) I support is about exhaustion from caring so much, or hunkering down to avoid overwhelm. Sensitive people wonder about a better way to protect their energy, at work and beyond, while caring so much.

I’m a highly sensitive person myself. I used to swing back and forth from the extremes of being a doormat to putting up a wall. Until I learned that I could enjoy being compassionate and even lean into compassion as a strength, instead of having to hide away. I’ll explain.

This applies to situations like exhaustion in a helping profession, picking up others’ energy in everyday life, and/or it can be the weight of entrenched global crises.

In this post:

1. Is there a magic shield to protect my energy?
2. Dreading setting boundaries?
3. Why it matters for you and the world
4. My story from no boundaries to freedom with an open heart
5. Boundaries with the pushy part of myself
6. Boundaries as a solopreneur, with clients and prospects
7. Clear and simple boundary examples (that HSPs can like)
8. It gets easier.
9. Bottom line

Is there a magic shield to protect my energy?

Yes there is.

The magic shield for sensitive souls is about knowing and setting healthy boundaries in some simple ways.

When I suggest setting boundaries, at work, at home, with the news, I often sense an eye roll, or I hear, “yeh, but….”

I know, I know, I have the “yeh, but” voice too.

When you have a big heart, boundaries seem like being mean… at first.

Healthy boundaries are not the same as being mean, and they’re not the same as putting up a wall.

Healthy boundaries can be easier than you might think at first. 

Dreading setting boundaries as an HSP?

I believe a part of my initial resistance to boundaries was because of my “good girl” programming: gotta say yes and keep smiling. I know there’s a better way than those old rules. I get to now choose anew, choosing what feels truer for me.

You might start by changing the word “boundaries” to “preserving your energy” or “sanity protection” or “honoring your limits.” However, if these terms kick up a fear-based energy or hunker down impulse, find other words for it.

I like calling it: “Caring enough and strong enough to be clear and kind.”
That’s leaning into your big caring heart as a strength.

There’s no way around the need for clear boundaries, but it doesn’t have to be mean.

I’ll give some concrete examples so you can get a feel for how simple it could be. But first:

Why It Matters for You and the World

Protecting your energy matters. Or rather, preserving your energy. (The word “protection” can sound too blocked off.)

We need you doing what you’re best at, like a sailboat is meant to sail.

You’re no good to anyone if you’re lost in a bunch of “shoulds.”

Sailboats are meant to sail, not sink.

My Story from No Boundaries to Freedom with an Open Heart

I used to be terrible at voicing boundaries, although I didn’t know that at the time. Much of the time I didn’t even sense a boundary was needed.

Looking back, I see that I swung between being a doormat for letting everyone’s energy in, or a wall for letting nothing in, both of which were tiring and lonely. I mostly stayed kinda closed, but my heart wanted out. I didn’t realize there was a calm middle ground.

I also didn’t get the connection to my high sensitivity and energy needs until later. Now I’m getting it.

I remember an Aha moment when I heard this idea:
“Say what you mean but don’t say it mean.”
That’s something I could get behind! Saying what I mean doesn’t have to be mean.

Now I feel pretty good at knowing my boundaries and expressing them in simple ways. And I’m SO grateful for the energy savings that has given me. I befriended the word boundaries.

The best part about having calm boundaries is that I get to keep my heart open with a sense of freedom because I now trust that I won’t get exhausted. Such freedom!

Now I know how to sail in tricky waters. I can empathize and still know that my boat won’t sink.

My desire for integrity inspires me to be clear with boundaries.

I’ve even learned to accept the other person might not like it, at first, but I now know that in the end, we are all happier or at least more real. Clear is kind.

Brené Brown, an expert on topics like this, made this point about how boundaries and empathy go together:

Boundaries with the Pushy Part of Myself

For clarity, my boundary setting includes setting boundaries with myself such as when I’m pushing myself too hard, or doom-scrolling online. Or thinking I should volunteer for one more thing.

This is a key part of preserving my energy.

I have to know and listen to my own limits, and that’s an ongoing very imperfect thing.

Knowing my own limits, and believing that my limits matter, is the starting place.

Boundaries as a Caring Solopreneur, with Clients/ Prospects

I work for myself, and my income depends on my opening the doors to new clients. But that doesn’t mean I accept everyone or any way someone treats me. I notice that boundaries are a tricky zone for many HSP solopreneurs, given the livelihood factor.

In the beginning, I said yes to working with a few clients even against my instincts at times. Or I listened on the phone too long to someone who was bad news. The need for money got the better of me, at first.

I got burned a couple times that way. Ouch. Lesson finally learned. I didn’t have to “be nice” all the time. But I didn’t have to be mean or walled off either.

Middle ground: I just needed those calm healthy boundaries. I had to tap into my courage and start saying “no thank you” when I just knew. I trust my own knowing when it’s a no.

Interestingly, it turned out that when I found my “no thanks,” it didn’t hurt my business at all. It actually was the beginning of growing a business I love. That surprised me. 😃

Clear and Simple Boundary Examples

Personal and professional boundary examples:

• No thanks. That doesn’t work for me. (Worth memorizing for almost any situation.)
• Thanks for asking me, but I’m not the right person for that.
• I can help on Saturday but not Sunday.

For tricky situations with power dynamics, like a boss or paying client:

• Thanks for sharing your perspective. I’ll take it into consideration. 
• I’ll give that some thought. (Buying time is a great starting place!)

Boundaries with oneself:

• I need to actually take a week off as soon as possible.
• I get to schedule a half hour between meetings, not just 5 minutes.
• The crisis hotline is not the best use of me, but I can write the fundraising appeals.

Boundaries for global chaos protection:

• I’m not looking at any news until the weekend.
• I’m calling my congressperson to say, Enough already.
• I get to have fun, dance, make art even during hard times, and especially then.

It gets easier.

This sample wording above might sound simple, but following through on it in a tough situation is another story. Right? I know you know.

Here’s what helps:

Start small and your boundary muscles will grow.

Notice the freedom you gain and it will fuel you on. Yes, it might be bumpy at times, and it definitely won’t be perfect. That’s OK.

Try this:

1. Let yourself name a challenge area (e.g., aging parent, clients). Then see if any of the above sample statements can help in that situation.
2. Imagine how it might feel if you try it and it gives you a nice bit of breathing room.

Bottom Line

1. Preserving your energy matters. It means your big-hearted gifts can be shared in the direction of “the best use of you.” (Uncover the best use of you.)
2. Clear and honest is ultimately a kindness. That’s something your big heart can get behind. Find your courage from that.
3. Yes it can be tricky, so let’s bring self-compassion along with perseverance to this.